I never imagined (in my wildest imaginings) Imagined I I would be one One of those Spun out of the church (the family of God for crying out loud how does this happen it's wrong on at least a thousand levels hyperbole intended) Well Not THE church (actually) A church I’m at a loss Poppa I don’t recognize myself I’m wearing clothes that don’t fit (because) I loved her so Still do (but) She didn’t love me back (not really) Because There wasn’t room for me (the me they imagined was welcome) But Not the me that actually was/is (he/them/they lower case intended made sure of that) Poppa hold me Hold me close I’m just so very sad (also) Thank you for new spaces New faces Who look on poor wretched me With love Love that feels like sounds like smells like looks like tastes like You You You (and so and still) I cry out to You Heal this broken soul Make me whole Help me trust Again
Sunday
Sunday Sunday (used to be a fun day) Sunday Sunday Sad Now I gulp down the grief (for all that was lost) And Go (to try) To trust (because) --- Because Of And In And Through And For YOU Jesus For You I trade my anger (towards the ones who poisoned the well) For forgiveness For peace For hope For faith For love For You
Simple Words for a Complex Grief
You You You I Miss You No one else will do I Miss You You
All That Glitters Is Not Gold
I watched you Holding court In the place Where she should have been Smug Broad smile The confident shell (hiding deceit and theft and and) I watched you My smile thin and wan Forced Dredging up forgiveness to accompany it from my tired worn out soul I watched you You got the brass ring You did (Not gold mind you) Brassy Plundered Ill gotten gain I watched you and wondered How long Oh Lord how long Will the guilty go unpunished How long I forgive I forgive I forgive I forgive I forgive I forgive I forgive
The Welcome Mat
Grief came calling today
Truth was
She'd been reaching out for some time
texts messages
phone calls
knocks on the door
But I didn't answer
(couldn't wouldn't)
Grief came calling today
And
When she came round I opened the door (just a crack)
Trying to discern how long she was going to stay
Grief came calling
today
And
I'm making space
For her
Emigration
Emigration eem·i·gra·tion | \ ˌe-mə-ˈgrā-shən an act or instance of emigrating : departure from a place of abode, natural home, or country for https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/emigration life or residence elsewhere
I have travelled so far Far from home Far from you Far You wait Wait for me Wait for me Just across the border And I wait I wait (long) For you We have travelled so far Travelled so far From one another
Transplanted
It was the same familiar garden That she once knew well Where She once grew and thrived But Then The rain never rained And The sun never shone And The weeds grew and grew And The flower She waned So The Gardener (in His mercy) Took the little plant Tenderly Carefully Up by the roots (so painful, so vulnerable, so raw) And carried it to Another (unfamiliar) Part of the garden Where The rain rained And The sun shone And The weeds were weeded And The little flower Grew
Come On In
Grief You arrive unexpected (yet welcome) Like friends and family who don’t need to knock but can Come On In (to my house) My Heart I welcome your intimacy (and make space for you to) Recall for me Deep Love Deep Loss Grief I’m at home with you (I welcome you) Come On In
Shattered
He heals the wounds of every shattered heart. Psalm 147.3 (TPT) When the centre Is shattered By Sin Sloth Silence Selfishness Squandering Oh Poppa Repair Restore Renovate Resuscitate Rehabilitate I wait for you I'm bored of my brokenness You Who make all things new Make my heart new Please
The Space
I wish I could Fill up the space You left behind If I could be you When only you will do But There’s no way To fill up the space You left behind Jill
Colleen R. Jantzen 